You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
