If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
