where does the pee come out of this thing
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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