U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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