Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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