You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
