Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
