I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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