I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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