the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dating After Heartbreak
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts