This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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