she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
