The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
