Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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