Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
