What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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