You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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