if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
