People in love make me want to vomit
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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