The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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