Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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