There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
