Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
