I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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