my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
