I think I won the penis lottery.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
