So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
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Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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