I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
