my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
