Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
