Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this beer tastes like vomit already
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
