You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
