Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
