go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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