I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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