So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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