Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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