I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
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