I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
