areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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