you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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