So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
