Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
