BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
