i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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