Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
