I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Please don't give away my fajitas
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
