i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
