I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
