I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
