I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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