You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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