Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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