Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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