just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
