My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
